ill try to suffocate thyself to sleep tonight

The NUS invitational shoot begins for me tomorrow. 2.45pm. Yishun Safra Shooting range.
As much this competition has almost nilch significance (as there's zero chance of proving to be a serious competitor considering the non-existence of owned rifles, jackets, gloves OR proper training prior to competing), a sort of anticipation and butterflies fails not to toss my stomach into a gruesome twist. There is simply no competition to begin with but i guess i've never really stopped trying. Perhaps my goal is really to prove that i can outdo thyself with regards to personal best and even with no proper gear support there is no goddamn reason why one cannot perform well (or at least i refuse to believe that).

To get to the damn point, i'm feeling nervous. And knowing that i'll be the only one from school shooting at tomorrow's event doesnt help. The rush of adrenaline when you are standing at the range. alls quiet. everyone seems to know exactly what they are doing, holding a weapon in their hands.

It's silly. But im nervous. I guess it doesnt really matter how many times you've competed.
Ok im not like freaking out OMG nervous. But something is boiling in my freaking chest kind of nervous.

You knows what's the best thing. ill probably have to go through the same mental torture friday night in prep for Saturday's shoot. And if Mr you know who doesnt get me home sober friday night, ill really be screwed. but perhaps the booze will do the nerves some good. hohoho


Health has been failing me. The lack of sleep has been hitting me hard. You know something is wrong when you make it through the day feeling like immense heat is constantly emitting from your cheeks. My nose has once again been proving itself a pain in the arse. Seriously, if i didnt need you to facilitate breathing, trap dirt when i inhale, or make my face look normal, i'd get rid of you, you button of a nose.

Had a almost proper conversation with Elgene online today. Through it all i could hear myself thinking, "find the best time to pull away". I don't want you to think that i don't want to talk to you. Probably because even I can't be sure. But i do know that at this point, less is better. Maybe i just don't see the point. and everytime you talk to me i feel you trying to draw directions from me, like you have always have. Perhaps i am just tired of providing and getting nothing in return. I deserve more than that im sure. You said you would find your own way, so do that for yourself. You have that in you.

I'm worried for Cherms and what she is constantly getting herself into. I fear for her soul, that it may become jaded sure enough due to the harsh ball-game. Tonight i pray that we make the right decisions and time make all things right again. We must keep faith.
It is too bad we couldnt have supper tonight as planned. i miss my hommies so bad. real bad.

I realised that i havent called my old friend back like i said i would. Sorry dude, got caught up with some things tonight. Ill call you tomorrow. Till then, dun stress yourself up at work. =)

and being totally wacked tonight, i shall dedicate my last message to Irv-my-man! Dude! Thank you! For recently the madness of your company and presence has managed to keep my world sane. sounds damn emo right? You're supposed to feel touched u moron. Cos i remembered you tonight! hahaha